@daveexplosm: The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you're doing it too.
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@SCbchbum: Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
@pleatedjeans: Me: we're throwing a surprise party for Tim Wife: don't you hate Tim? Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
@jaslakhmna: The new Exorcist movie plot: Family hires the devil to get a priest out of her son!
@jctwritesstuff: I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn't want her head cut off, maybe there should've been actual cake. ~ Why I was kicked off the debate team