@daveexplosm: The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you're doing it too.
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@stockejock: Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, 'Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?'
@TheRolo: [Gets shot by mugger] Girl walks by: omg are u ok? I'm dying [sees she isn't wearing a ring] I mean I'm fine but not as fine as you, sup?
@HonestToddler: Parents: It's unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you're not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.