@daveexplosm: The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you're doing it too.
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@MrFornicator: Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
@itsWillyFerrell: Operator: "9-1-1 please hold..." Me: "Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second." Murderer: "K."
@OutOfLeftField_: Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He's not ill, just really crap in bed.