Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
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Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
🤣😂
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
*eats only grass-fed donuts
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO