The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
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Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Taking phone security to the next level.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
6. me as a lawyer
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.