Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
You Might Also Like
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
im all 3
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
tis the season
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert