@Eagle_Vision: The problem with political jokes is that they get elected.
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@Momtoteens: Daughter comes home with shirt inside out. Me: Why is your shirt on wrong? Daughter: I think you old people call it: "second base"
@TitansHomer: My daughter just asked for a Samsung Galaxy phone. Had to sit her down and explain to her we aren't poor. #iPhone
@rationalists: Republicans say they're not satisfied with Michele Obama's speech because she didn't give it from her kitchen.
@Bob_Heller: "May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?" "Um, there's no such thing." "There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!"