If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
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God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I bet birds love this building.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one