The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
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Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
it was love at first sight
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”