The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
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What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.