The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
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ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Oceanography is all about current events
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Them: Just act casual
Me: