Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
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Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.