[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
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Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.