@slimpickins_: The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
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@realHamOnWry: My nephew asked, "What's the secret to a long life?" I said, "Never order vegetarian in Texas"
@msdanifernandez: [dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
@DontTouchMyWine: Him: I love redheads. I could totally see you being a great wife. Me: I could totally see you being a great chalk outline.
@SamGrittner: *job interview* "So this yearbook isn't your resume?" "No. I'm not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE's."