The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
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remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Perfect.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.