The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
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mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Every damn time
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
This probably isn’t good
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”