@TheCatWhisprer: The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
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@bridger_w: If someone acts shocked that you haven't read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, "Yeah, I heard it sucks"
@Fred_Delicious: "Sir you can't bring your dog onto the plane" [labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat] "Omg captain I'm so sorry"
@KalvinMacleod: [date] ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary ME: u mean complementary HER: *gets up*
@KeetPotato: [2 years after going missing at zoo] wife: [points at TV] "omg thats him" me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] "why is noone helping me"