The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
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yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all