The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
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the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?