@bad_as_you_want: The problem with today's children is that today's grown-ups are idiots.
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@icecube: Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth...
@agathagotstoned: The plane starts going down. I say, "If we die, know that hat is hideous". We all survive. Great Aunt Mildred hasn't spoken to me since.
@WhtUReallyMean: I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I'm living in their attic.
@ericsshadow: [eulogy] "Before we get started I'd like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased's 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones"