The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
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*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Art by Pastelkatto
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*