The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
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I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.