The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
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After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]