The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
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I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad