The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
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Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
I unironically love this joke.
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#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume