The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
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People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
pizza
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?