The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
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Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
secret recipe
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
This is my bus stop.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
🖤✌🏽
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list