the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
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I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead