The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
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Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.