The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
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If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
i meant to share this earlier
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.