had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
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“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.