@TheTweetOfGod: The question is not "Why is Instagram not working?", but "Why does the world need another picture of you?" #instagramnotworking
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@mewritesgood: I bought my nephew a drum set because: A) I'm an awesome uncle B) Learning to play an instrument is important C) I hate my sister
@internetluke: [talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill] "No" What? "You can't sit in the Kangaroos pouch" *places $50 back in my pocket*
@murrman5: [during dinner on a date] "I'm currently in university" how long is your degree? "normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2"