The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
You Might Also Like
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
There is no “we” in pizza
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*