The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
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never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*