@SarahFemme: The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.
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@DurtMcHurtt: My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my.. *golf swings* Pennefactor.
@baconacid: *drops mic* *drops mic* *drops mic* *drops mic* *drops mic* *drops mic* *drops mic* *drops mic* Octopus after owning some1 in a rap battle
@Donnie_Fairburn: Just installed the iOS 9 update and I've already noticed a significant increase in my phone's battery life! This is aweso
@nettie0918: That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it's still the same principal that had to call your parents.