@kelkulus: The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
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@TheToddWilliams: [Emergency Room] MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc? DOCTOR *slurping on sucker*: We'll do what we can but he's lost a lot of candy
@daemonic3: INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents? ME: I taught myself how to play piano INTERVIEWER: By ear? ME: No, just with my hands