The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
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we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Mad Max: Furry Road
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Who wants to be my Valentine?
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.