The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
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A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Huge, if true.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers