the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
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Home #decor warning.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk