the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 馃檪
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I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where鈥檚 your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Hotels be like, it鈥檚 $150 a night and you鈥檙e staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Couldn鈥檛 think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond