The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
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[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.