The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
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when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.