@clindsaysway: The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
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@shkeeber: Things safer than flying Malaysia Airlines: -Badger juggling -Heroin enemas -Grenade soup -Live cobra condoms -Roman candle tampons -Ebola
@FavoritesYou: Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn't have a pen so I used my key.
@notbedelia: When your wife says she needs a new broom it's best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
@kelkulus: India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That's a heck of a place to put a call centre.