The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
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God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.