The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
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Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.