@clindsaysway: The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
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@BillFienberg: Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I'm a gentleman. Also, to see if it's been poisoned.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: You're supposed to be taking a nap 4-year-old: I am Me: Then why are you standing here? 4-year-old: Me: 4-year-old: This is a dream
@sunexplode: Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
@Sickayduh: "Ewww how'd that get in the house? I don't wanna kill it. I'll just put it outside" *scoops your baby up in a tissue*