The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
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“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.