The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
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i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
i really liked this one
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”