The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
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Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
notice
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”