Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
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A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.