[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
You Might Also Like
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then