The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
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Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I鈥檓 cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 馃え
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i鈥檓 a dad
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person