@farleftcoast: The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.
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@xLiserx: *First Date* Him: You've been really quiet. Everything ok? Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
@VerifiedDrunk: Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
@kelkulus: The Garden of Eden must have been one exciting place if the most tempting things were apples.
@CodyJP9412: [creating the armadillo] GOD: I want a half turtle, ANGEL: Okay G: Half pig, A: Okay, I'm on it- G: Half anteater A: ...Are u drunk G: Very