“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
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Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
I think about this a lot
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Canada has crack?
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*