The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
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I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
when revenge coincides with naptime
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.