The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
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She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
🙅🏻
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.