The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
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ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
The honesty is refreshing
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
When you kidnap a writer.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”