The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
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I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.