@TheTweetOfGod: The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
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@Prince_Smarming: A co-worker said to me, "Could you be any more annoying?" So the next day I wore tap shoes to work.
@ssholeEric: Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
@FuckabillyRex: "Sorry, I have to take this call." "That's a banana. And it's half eaten." *covers banana with hand "I don't tell you how to do business."
@Home_Halfway: INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills? ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying 'Decent'*