@TheTweetOfGod: The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
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@Robinbuble: I'm just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
@SuperRandomish: We squint at the sun because it's bright. We squint at people because they're not.
@markedly: Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants. Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
@WheelTod: [Stick Insects Anonymous] Group Leader: "There's no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant."