The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
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ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
This probably isn’t good
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit