The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
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End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in